lizatola

LOL! Yes, many years I swore I wouldn't go with him. My mom would be flying out and I'd say to myself, "Why doesn't he just go without me? I can stay home with my son and my mom and enjoy some quiet time. No listening to him rant about the government. No passive aggressive behavior on his part. Just peace." And, that's what's been missing from my life for so long. Peace, serenity, the ability to ignore someone else's bad behavior and give them the dignity to live the way they need to live and then give myself the dignity to choose whether I want to live around that anymore. Some trips have been better than others. Last year, while on the trip, I got the call that my dad was in the hospital and very close to death. I was finally coming to terms with his illness and with my AH's issues and I had a tough time while there because I wanted to 'talk it all out with him'. Well, I did a lot of talking but really didn't get him to 'see' things the way I felt would bring about some change. A week before the trip last year was when my AH went on a really bad binge, nearly fell into our pool, and drove around drunk at 1 in the morning to go buy more beer(of which he opened and drank while driving, of course, LOL). So, I was NOT in a good place last year either. I hadn't eaten anything in days, my anxiety was sky high. And, what did I do on the trip? I opened up to him, I poured out my heart, and he got to sit there and do nothing. Nothing changed, he kept drinking and hiding it, and all the while I sat there thinking we were getting closer. I'm so tired of the sham of it all, and that's one of the reasons I may not go. Any conversations we have will probably not yield any positive results anyway. Al Anon has taught me so much in the few months I've been going. My Higher Power knows what's best for me so I guess it's time I give it up to him. Thanks everyone for the feedback. I guess I just needed to vent.