vvl71w-
I am sorry for the situation you are in.
I am in recovery for an eating disorder. Studies are showing that as many as 30% of people with eating disorders also struggle with substance abuse. Unfortunately the substance abuse counselors are not usually trained in eating disorder stuff and eating disorder counselors in substance abuse. I have not seen any studies on how many peole with substance abuse struggle with eating disorders but I am sure it is a lot.
For me just like someone with substance abuse problems (I married an alcoholic) I have to have a regular recovery program in place to maintain sanity from my eating disorder. Is she addressing her food concerns at all (and what she says to me is not addressing them).
There are some books out there for loved ones of people with eating disorders. However as someone who knows the craziness of both sides of the predicament you are in I feel comfortable saying that it is okay if you are done. It is okay regardless of what she is doing right now. I personally think Al-Anon can help with learning tools for detachment (but that is my own bias).
I am so sorry.