Ended it, Part 8: The email
Short recap: Broke Up with ABF last week -- after he was a drunken jerk right before my birthday (and essentially flaked out on helping me move). Mostly No Contact since.
Today I woke up with a long e-mail from XABF sent at 6:30 am. It was, I believe, from the heart. Long e-mail short: He's ashamed and embarrassed for letting me, my friends, family and himself down and he's brokenhearted over losing his love/best friend. He admits he has a problem. He says he's going to get help. Most are words I've heard in the past, and I recognize -- without any action behind them, -- they are just that. Words.
He did not ask me to take him back or suggest that we reconcile. Either he recognizes it's too late/he really crossed the line this time ... or he's hoping my soft-hearted (sucker?) codie self will be swayed into accepting him back eventually. I resolve to stay strong. I am not going back to that life and I'm not going backward.
I replied only to tell him I got his message and to answer one question -- he asked about church protocol. We both started back at mass together and after lots of searching, we finally found a service/priest we both like. I told him I was going to continue going to to the same mass as always (I'm not going to give something spiritually fulfilling I look forward to each week). And I said he should do what feels best for him.
Whether I'll write more eventually, I don't know. I have a lot of feelings but couldn't begin to organize them at all right now. I'm having trouble processing everything right now -- I'm exhausted (haven't been sleeping great), and unsettled (I just moved into a new place and it's not quite home yet) and sad (lots of tears today) and overwhelmed (nearly had a breakdown in the Container Store today trying to decide on bathroom accessories). I'm just going to do what feels natural when it's time. Today, that was getting a massage, brunch with girlfriends, a nap, sobbing and shopping.
I appreciated his email, as I felt it showed character and conscience. I am glad he is beginning to be real with himself and taking responsibility (plus, this acknowledgment reminds me I'm not crazy -- I didn't do anything wrong. I know that of course, but life within A seriously skews reality and screws with a head). I do hope he follows through on his promise -- and I hope it was made for his benefit, not mine.
Just needed to express all this. Thanks so much for listening!