There's a voice that sounds just like me...
Yesterday I accepted that I am an alcaholic. I am different than most people in the way alcahol reacts with my body. Therefore I made the concious descision to stop drinking.
Sometimes theres this lil voice who sounds just like me chilling in my head..
Giving out "fantastic" ideas, somehow sneakily involving alcahol. These motivations come randomly and in-freqeuntly usually after some sort of trigger involving seeing, and or hearing of other people having a good time (Partying on a boat, bar hopping, etc.) Up until two days ago I thought I could control this voice and its requests. Now that I have dropped the ego volume a bit.. I Know I am powerless to this voice, and I am a bit more fearful.
Being a binge drinker makes this very easy to "Stop" drinking because I do not drink to excess on a regular basis, but it makes it hard to really stop drinking because I think I can handle a drinking situation.. Thats untill the alcahol actually hits my tounge. Then Im done .. In 50% of my drinking situations I drink socially 1-2 beers, but the voice gets stronger and my compulsive ideas become more motivated and I do not like to stop.. and I do not like to drink... When I drink Its a gamble.. with the saftey of everyone including me in jeapordy..
This is not fair.
Now after a full day of really thinking about what it will be like to shift from that sometime party boy to the guy who doesnt drink at all.. Im scared of this change, more because I undoubtedly have the disease and I still feel gross about it... but whatever life rolls on right???.. **** I could have lost both my legs, getting hit by a squad car chasing me cus I beat some punk for touching my lil sis. This hasnt happend, and sounds like a scene from a movie... but things that happen in movies happen to me when I drink too much.. but they never end good.
Admittedly I am very upset with myself and my actions after following my voices, but I am also excited to accept the challenge and never touch alcahol again.
Can I get an AMEN?
Which brings me to my next point, I am a non practicing confirmed catholic, and I have re-embraced the idea of relinquishing control to a greater power. Through a higher being than myself. GOD. daily prayers, open meditation, and exercize are a daily part of my personal maintainence, but now I will include the component of acaholism, and build spiratual awarness around my disease.
I look forward to this change and all the new emotions that come with.
Thank you for reading my post.
WaterMan