Hi 5BadDogs,
Thank you for bringing me back to my first step; it shows me I have come a long way in the past 3 months of my journey.
Like you, reading the book: "Codependent No More" and many more books like that helped me to understand what I was up against and also understand my role in our life together.
Also, like your husband, my wife is my best friend and I simply will not let my best friend die alone. I truly understand going between relief, optimism, and fear.
You asked about liability. You are not likely to be criminally responsible for any action he committs, drunk or sober, but we are generally financially responsible. I would have a lot more money if I was paying for the consequences of my spouse's actions.
I don't know the answer to your question about the difference between being supportive or being manipulated. I try to remember how I would behave when living with my best friend if alcohol wasn't involved but sometimes the cold hard reality of what I "should" do conflicts with my personality. When my wife falls down drunk in public, some might suggest leaving her to learn the consequences of her actions. I can't do that; it's not my personality. So I pick her up and take her home and put her to bed.
With respect to social responsibility; again, I think we all have to make our own choices depending on the family dynamics. She has passed out and crashed several times. Fortuanely, she hasn't hurt anyone. So, now I drive her to her alcohol. Is that enabling? Probably. But I drive without saying a word because I do not want an innocent citizen being killed. If she killed someone, I may not be criminally liable but I would be financially liable and morally devastated.
What helped me the most was reading several thousand posts by others to learn their experiences. I've read a lot of books to help me learn what I am up against. I have been fortunate to have the help of a couple people on this board. I have, and continue, to work the steps. But most of all I have learned to take care of me.
I have made peace with my decision to stay with my alcoholic wife. She is not physically abusive and the children are adults and live their own lives. I have made peace with my decision not to allow her to die alone. It is my decision and probably doesn't work for most others.
I thank you for sharing your story on my thread and I hope you find peace in your life. Your thoughts and feelings here have made a difference in my life.
Take care, my friend.