Thank you Hopeworks. You make a lot of sense. This woman has already caused so much damage to the child, and left alone with her, she could cause even more damage, severe enough to affect her for the rest of her life. We will NOT let that happen. But, we have a child who does actually care about her mother. She said a few weeks ago that she wishes she didn't care about her, or love her, because that would make things easier. You're right, she is bright, she's very mature for her age because she's HAD to grow up quick. Not only was she her mother's carer for most of her childhood, she also had to care for her younger half brother too (who also lives with his father, after being removed from mum last November by Social Services). Both children are in the right places, they are with their fathers, safe. Mum has more contact with the boy because they live in the same town, 20 miles from us. But, she tries to manipulate him, and he's only 8 years old. When he has visits with her, she makes him 'work'. He has to clean the house, from top to bottom, and has to check his 'work' 3 times before she will allow his father to take him home. She tells him constantly that 'when things are back to normal and you're living with me again, I will buy you such and such (there is an endless list of 'treats')', but even at his tender age he is able to say to her 'but I don't want to live back with you. I want to stay with my dad'. She tells him not to be stupid, that he 'belongs' with her.
Sorry, I digressed a bit there. You're right that we should not leave SD alone with her mother, I worry about that too. Sadly, there is no-one on mum's side that she speaks to, she has abused her whole entire family, so much so that they don't want anything to do with her. And who can blame them. We are in contact with her mother, and she has contact with SD, her granddaughter, which only happened for the first time when SD came to live with us. Prior to that, SD had been told her maternal grandmother was dead. I have thought that perhaps mum's first contact with SD should perhaps be at our home? I doubt very much that she would accept an offer of visiting SD at our home, but we don't know what kind of state she's in visibly (although we have been assured she is swollen and yellow), and that's distressing for a child. Maybe we would have to simply enforce it, say 'you can only visit her at our home', and if she wants to see her then she will won't she? Otherwise I cannot see how contact could be supervised.
SD does have counselling, weekly at school, and for the most part it's been helpful. We also encourage her to talk about her feelings, and she has joined several websites aimed at teenage children of alcoholics, which she also finds helpful. I am going to speak to our GP tomorrow about more specialised counselling.
This is so damned hard, and such a mess.