Originally Posted by
NikNox 
Do we take her over to mum's, drop her off on the doorstep and hope mum lets her in? But, that's US getting involved in ensuring she sees her daughter, and it shouldn't be down to us should it? It should be down to her.
As an ACOA who has been through much counseling I absolutely would not do this... having the child in the same room with the active alcoholic who may be physically present but emotionally unavailable and completely screwed up will be unhelpful and potentially harmful.
You are right to be concerned but there may be other alternatives that might be more helpful in the long run. Personally I benefitted enormously from counseling as an adult after I was out of my alcoholic childhood home. The child sounds very perceptive and bright for her age and this would be my first suggestion to find a good counselor who knows addiction and relationships.
If there is a family member (grandparent of the A etc) who could try to communicate with the mother the importance of her also cooperating with a counselor being involved to make sure that the child does not suffer further with guilt or remorse after her mother passes.
The A is most likely going to remain a hot mess and how successful any of this will be is hard to say. I would certainly make sure any visits are supervised by a counselor or some other knowlegable and informed adult who make sure that the A does not say or do anything inappropriate that makes the child suffer any further psychological damage.
If the A is a complete mess and visits would be traumatic then I wouldn't allow them... of course... again...I would involve a professional through the process to give me guidance to make these hard, hard decisions.
Make sure that her father makes the appropriate decisions and do not put it on the child... whatever you do.
My father never told any of us children that he loved us...I don't think he ever once hugged me or any of my siblings. He completely terrified me as a child... he was not only drunk he was dangerous.
As an adult and after I had gone to a lot of counseling I made peace with him before he died of his alcoholism. It was a peace not a relationship and I was an adult and not a child.
She will not get that opportunity to work through the craziness as an adult in counseling ... she is so very young.
It is good that you are pondering these hard things and that you care so much for your step daughter... she will need you love and support even more.
(we do have a Residence Order for SD) and say 'no, you will NOT move back in with her to look after her'? We are so frightened of that because we know what it's like to nurse someone with cancer (not from personal experience) and it's awful. I can really see this being an issue. SD has come so far in her own recovery, yet we can see her mum taking her right back to the beginning.
Enforce this... absolutely!!! Keep her safe in a normal loving home and protect her. Take all the heat from whereever it may come.