NikNox

Hi all,

It's been a while since I posted, but nothing had happened so nothing to report. SD was still not speaking to her mum, and to be honest, life was pretty stress free.

But, yesterday I was told by someone who knows SD's mum well, that she has cancer. I was told she has it in her womb and liver. I've worked in the medical profession for 17 years, so I know that's bad and prognosis is poor. Anyway, I decided to phone SD's brother's dad to see if he could tell me more, cos he sees her often. He said he was aware she'd had a biopsy and a CT scan, and told him things weren't looking good. He also said she was very yellow and very swollen, all over. I've seen many patients over the years with liver cancer, and it is pretty much a death sentance to be honest, and if the liver is already damaged, through alcohol abuse for example, prior to a cancer, then treatment options are very limited, and care is mostly palliative.

So, dilemna as I'm sure you can all imagine. Do we tell SD was the question my husband and I were asking ourselves last night. We decided that this news should come from mum, and that they should make their peace before time runs out, but we didn't know how to even begin to make that happen without telling SD. Anyway, in the end, my husband casually mentioned to SD that he thought her not speaking to her mum had gone on long enough, and suggested she contact her mum. She said she would text her. Great, we thought, hopefully that will open the door to communication between them, and to mum telling SD what's going on, hopefully sooner rather than later. When SD came home from school today she said 'oh I got a text from mum this morning'. I said 'great, what did she have to say?'. Mum had told SD in the text that she misses her and wants to see her soon, and said she's had 2 operations recently and is very poorly but is resting. She said 'I will phone you later, so make sure your phone is on and you pick up'. SD sat down looking very worried, so I decided to tell her what I had been told yesterday. Not sure if that was wrong or right, but seeing as mum had told her she was very poorly, I figured it would be good to prepare the kid. We talked for about an hour about cancer etc., and SD, not being stupid, said 'she's got this from drinking hasn't she?'. I answered that yes, most likely she had as drinking heavily does increase the risk of liver disease, including cancer, and she was somewhat ambivalent and said 'well she brought it on herself didn't she, and I always knew she'd die from her liver'. Not many flies on this kid I can tell you!

So, that was that, and we all sat this evening waiting for mum to call. SD wanted to speak to her mum, for the first time in 2 months, with us present, for support. But the call never came. She even text her mum and asked her to ring, but she didn't. Same old, same old = one angry kid, again.

I'm sure there will be an 'excuse', like 'I'm ill, I was tired'. Yep, that's acceptable NOW, but all the other times over the past year when she's promised to call and hasn't can't be attributed to that, and all SD sees is her mum's behaviour hasn't changed. We're not going to get involved, my husband is not going to text her to tell her she should have rung her daughter when she said she would. We will, of course, encourage whatever contact SD wants with her mum, and will support her in making her peace with her mum. But, that's a two way thing, isn't it, and despite being ill, mum has to make the effort too.

Any thoughts on this awful situation, any guidance, whatever, would be most welcome. Thank you.