You're right, I really am experiencing grief. I wanted him to be "the one" because there are so many things that I do like about him and that made me smile. But the longer I was with him, the less impact those good things had until I reached the point where I am now - that nothing he does (good) is worth the heartache.
Even now, I am almost holding my breath hoping with all hope that he makes the right choice (inpatient) or, at the very least, outpatient. But the hope is no longer because I want "us" to work, it's simply because in some way, I will always care and I do hope he finds some peace in his troubled world.
Thinking about it now, he told me that in his late teens or early 20's I believe, he did alot of coke and supposedly quit cold turkey. And all his adult like he smoked, so I guess the addiction was always there, he just traded one for the other possibly because he didn't have the $ to buy anything and prescribed pain meds was the easiest.
I really am looking forward to being on my own. I do hope to find a nice man one day but know that I have to be in a much better place to even be open to recognizing a good choice. All I know is, I'm thankful for this place, everyone is so helpful.