Originally Posted by
HopefulGF65 
I have been practically glued to this board since returning, mostly reading others' posts, afraid to offer much advice unless it's very similar to my own situation, and just trying to make my way through this ordeal.
I know I'm making the right decision by ending the relationship with my boyfriend, enforcing that he move out this weekend, detaching, preparing to move on, etc. etc. yet, why can't I stop crying? The times we were fighting (quite alot in the last few months) and not speaking to one another, it made it easier in a way because the anger replaced feeling sorry for him. But now that I'm essentially free, and the burden is slowly being lifted, I just feel...sad. I like who I am and like that I learned compassion from my parents, but I feel right now it is keeping me from completely moving forward.
Is this normal? I don't want to have hate in my heart but I just want to STOP CRYING. I've had enough of that the last year.
Oh, Hopeful. Reading this really tugged at my heartstrings, because I'm in the midst of a breakup as well, and I know these feelings all too well. I was so hopeful for when my gf finally quit the vicodin, but it was nothing like I thought. And it was so hard for me to snap out of the 'care taker' role because it was what I did for so long. We're still living together (out of necessity, I moved across the country to be with her, so it's going to take a little time to get back home...) and the times that she acts like herself just break my heart.
I haven't reached the relief stage yet, but I figure it's got to be coming. This is true for you too! Think of all the things you can do when your brain isn't cluttered up with worry and anxiety. Think of everything you can accomplish without his issues holding you back. You know intellectually that you're better off, but soon you will know it in your heart too. This is the right thing. And I know how much harder it is to move on when you can see glimpses of the person you fell in love with- but keep reminding yourself that even if clean (which he clearly isn't...), he's not going to be that exact person you met and loved again. It hurts, but you need to remember it to move on.
Do kind things for yourself. I love your thread about what you do to take care of yourself. Keep doing that stuff! Think of all the time and energy you devoted to him and his addiction. Now think of all that time you now have for YOU.
You will be okay, I promise.
Big hugs and good vibes to you!