Old 06-25-2012, 07:46 AM
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lizatola
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Hi Hopeworks, I just wanted to thank you for sharing all that! I, too, am a Christian woman who found that I had wrong 'ideals' about what it means to be a Christian wife. My AH was dry for 15 years but he was verbally abusive and had problems with rage through that time. After a day of him ranting and raving about how awful his life was, how the world was against him, how his company is out to take advantage of him, I would have s*x with him to give him a release. It wasn't for me, why would I want to have s*x with a raving lunatic? He was crazy and I would give myself to him to make HIM feel better. The whole thing got so messed up over the years and it became almost like a reward for bad behavior, if that makes sense. I was hardly ever attracted to the man because he was so sour in his attitudes and how he viewed the world that he took away from the beauty that I saw in what God created. It was heartbreaking and I told him years ago that I felt that he ripped out my soul and stomped on it.

Then I got into Al Anon and I started reading books, lots of books, LOL! And, I learned that he didn't rip out my soul. I LET HIM rip out my soul. I never stood up for myself, never asked for what I needed, never withheld s*x to protect my inner sanctum that was hurting and feeling betrayed, and now I realize that I am responsible for me. I'm not responsible for him.

I was always so confused in my marriage. AH and I started going to church before we got married. He had quit drinking and I thought we were on a bright new start, I was 25 and he was 28. I thought that God and the relationships we were developing in church were going to change him, bring him the peace that seemed to be missing from his life, lift his depression, enlighten him to what God can provide for all of us, etc. I prayed for years but I soon realized that it was a sham. My AH may believe in God, I know he prays, but I truly don't believe he's ever submitted his will to God. I don't believe that he had died to self and really given himself over to Jesus. We would be in our small group meetings and he'd be going off about blacks(he's a total racist), or he'd be challenging a principle that was brought up in conversation and he'd get into heated arguments with the other folks. One day, a good friend of ours pulled me aside and said, "You know, I think your husband is a Pharisee!" Hmm, yep, I can totally see that. He knows Scripture inside and out and he can pull out verses and say them to YOU and he sounds all important and all knowing but when it comes to applying it to his own life, it's not gonna happen.

Then the drinking started and I did what you did, tried to play God. I had a great conversation with my sponsor last night about really working at being in Higher Power's will and about releasing ourselves from our own will. She's been in Al Anon for 20 years and I get so much enlightenment from her and I'm so grateful for the program and for the friends I have made here at SR and through Al Anon. If it wasn't for those things, I'd still be arguing with my AH today about why he's driving on a suspended license, LOL!
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