Just wanted to say thank you to all who responded here! My AH has been reading a book called the "Anger Trap" for the past week or so. At least I can see that he's realizing he needs to work on some problems, not sure what will come of it because he started reading the book last summer but never finished it. I am actually thinking of reading the book myself since I have my own anger to own and take responsibility for. It actually was a book that my therapist suggested last month.
LTD shared something earlier about 'making my marriage work' and 'making me happy' and I guess I've intertwined the two. I always thought that I had to be happy in marriage along with being happy in life because I was always happy with life. I have always enjoyed myself in life: hiking, gardening, enjoying animals and wildlife, going to parks and museums, swimming, yoga, exercising, playing tennis, getting a massage, spending time with friends, going to church....yes, I do ALL those things and I LOVE my life. I guess I just wish that my marriage fit into the puzzle a bit better. It's like everything fits together nicely but I am trying to fit my mishapen marriage into a box that it won't fit into. Maybe that's OK, I just don't know it could be when I want a partner in life and not a personality disordered alcoholic. I guess I just haven't accepted "what is" yet......