Liza, I have read through this thread and it hits very close to home for me. When I first came here and to Al-Anon, I was desperate for a way to get things "back on track" and back to the version I had in my head. I was so focused on my husband and his behavior and the why's of it all that I had overlooked the needs of ME and my kids. Hell, even the animals have needs, ya know?
I wrote letters, emails, begged, cried, left. Shoot I tried it all. I thought finding sobriety would stop the madness. I thought moving out would stop the madness. And now, here I am, with my new court date to finalize our divorce.
It was hard to hear the ES&H here and in Al-Anon that this may not work out at all. I felt a lot of guilt for my kids and my family and even his family as I know this has a ripple effect on everyone around us. I was afraid - afraid that this relationship ship had sailed away for good. That what I really wanted - a family - was now an elusive pipe dream.
I was angry - this wasn't what I signed up for. I gave up some very good years to be in a relationship thinking I was getting one thing and instead I got this?! WTF? Really??!!! I beat myself up for being so stupid. And that made me angrier.
Today, I know I did the best I could, and he did the best he could. Addictions/mental illness/etc. make people very difficult to have relationships with. I quit talking. Quit asking. Quit expecting. Just. Quit.
And then I found ME! And you know what? I like ME. Other people like ME. I have a lot to offer, so what if this one particular person thinks poorly of me. So what if I made a mistake. So what if I become another statistic. I am still living and a good life after all. I have much to be grateful for, even though this marriage was an epic fail. I am a great Mother. My kids are much happier out of the chaos, tension, and stress of living with unpredictability. I owed them that, and I am proud that I followed through with it all.
Your husband is an addict. Stop expecting him to act different and being angry and taking it personally when he doesn't. It isn't about you. It is about addiction. It is his brain on drugs. He has no proper judgement because his brain is not functioning correctly. He has no impulse control. And I would go as far as to say he knows this about himself. He knows he has a problem but he has no idea nor the desire yet to own it and fix it. Nothing you can do or say will change that because its not your problem to change.
I thought I would be reason enough for my husband to stop this madness. And at first, I was. But even after 18+ months of sobriety - there is still so much going on that I have simply had enough. Had. Enough. It makes my life unmanageable and I can't live that way. But it took me two full years from the moment I uttered the word "alcoholic" in my first Al-Anon meeting to reach the end of my rope. Give yourself some time to come to terms with your life as it is today. When you get to that point, you will know it. Until then, try to enjoy your life regardless of what he is or is not doing.
You are going to be ok in the end. I am ok now, and even better than ok!