I understand where you are lizatola. I stayed in marriage and in limbo for a really long time...too long. I struggled with the same fears you're struggling with now.
If there was one thing that I wish I had realized sooner and actually accepted on a gut level...is that alcoholism is a disease. It isn't a moral failing. Pouring your heart out to him about how his drinking makes you feel doesn't do anything. If your AH had cancer...would it do any good for you to pour out how you feel? No...of course it wouldn't. But somehow, when the disease is alcoholism, we think something we say or do will make a difference. BUT IT WON'T. It can't.
Your AH has a disease.
There is no cure.
IF he were willing to actively work a program...I mean work really, really, really hard on his recovery, he might be able to manage his disease but he'll never be cured.
Nothing you say or do will change this fact. Nothing.
You can't steer him in the direction you want him to go. You can spend the next week, month, or decade trying but nothing you do or say is going to change what he does.
Once you accept this...really and truly accept it, you'll realize that the ONLY person you can control and change is YOU.
I'm glad you're thinking about getting an alanon sponsor. Getting a sponsor was a HUGE turning point for me in my recovery. It's the only thing that got me out of limbo.
Hugs...I understand...I really, really do...:ghug3
mary