Originally Posted by
cris808 
Maybe I'm naive. I try to tell my AH that I know he's still using and that he's not doing what he needs to be doing. He's not going to the doctor or meetings (he's on suboxone). Loaded on father's day and ruined that. Loaded again tonight. Calling out from work because his back hurts. REALLY? Why do I feel the need for him to fess up so I can do something. I know I need to leave him but am scared. Y? I supported my family myself with him as an addict for almost 10 years. Obviously I can take care of just myself and daughter. What can I do to help or to have the strength to do what I need to do?
I would like to encourage you to read all about addiction, enabling, codependency and detachment with love. This forum is a great place to start and I am so glad you have found your way here. Welcome
On your quest to find out what is happening in your life you will be surprised to find that you are an addict too. If you are anything like me, initially this will **** you off and you will reject the idea. I struggled with the thought of being an addict to because you see I was clean and sober at the time I stumbled upon such a ignorant concept. I wasn't an addict. I wasn't using. He was the addict not me! Well as time went on I began to see just what an addict I was. I wasn't addicted to a substance, but to my husband.
I was addicted to trying to help him get clean, stay clean, to rescuing him and feeling like the hero. I was addicted to the chaos that his addiction brought into our lives. You will learn that the only one you can change is yourself.
I spent endless hours trying to convince him that I knew he was using. I'd go through all the reasons why and how I could tell and what he was and wasn't doing and he spent less then a few quick words to blow it all out of the water. He'd simply say that I was crazy and making stuff up. Then he would jump in his truck and leave. I would sit home and cry and wonder what I had done that was so wrong. Eventually I would call around looking for him and beg him to come home. I would stay up all night and worry about him. Hours of lost sleep. Hours of arguing, crying, blaming, begging, pleading, threatening. Hours turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years. Things only got worse.
That is until I began to read about enabling. I was shocked to find that all my previous efforts to get my husband to stop using was only adding fuel to the fire. All the things I had done in the name of love was not love at all, but rather enabling.
I learned that I needed to take care of me and let him be. I was no longer to argue, rescue, persecute, blame, beg or any of the things I had done in the past, but now I needed to focus on me and I was the one that needed to change in order to obtain the kind of peace and happiness that I so truly desired. I began walking down the path of recovery with the hopes my husband would change too, but that never happened. Even so I kept walking and eventually separated from him. I can say that today I am truly happy
I sit here today and can tell you that you have come to the right place to start your journey. You can and will learn so much here at SR. I would like to recommend a book titled, Codependent No More. By Melody Beattie. Great book and an eye opener.
You can't change him, but if you are here looking for answers that tells me you are desiring a change. Stick around I promise you won't be sorry you did
Passion