Questions about detachment
Hi. I'm new here. So, here's my situation. AH is a "new" alcoholic. When we got married he disnt drink at all. Didnt believe in it. Once he started though, within a few months (probably 3 yrs ago) I started being concerned about where his drinking might lead eventually, because of his general attitude about it, he has only been a problem drinker for probably about a year. I have been aware of it for less than 6 months.
So here's the thing, over the past 6 months he has gone from realizing it might be a problem (I knew it was), trying to stop to "see" if it could and if it was really a problem, starting up again secretly a work for several before confessing and realizing he har a problem, but still sort of thinking he could just decide to stop, starting CR and not drinking for 4 months, having a first official relapse by 3 days of drinking over the last 2 weeks, and confessing at the last one because he was totally trashed at work, and supposedly now, realizing that he needs help and support to quit because he clearly can't do it by himself.
We have had a great relationship. He is a great husband and father, other than this TINY detail (sarcasm). He is the sole breadwinner. We talk about everything. We have a very intimate relationship. We have talked about the alcohol, he processes and so do I.
I definitely have codependency issues. When I discover he has been drinking I go into a period of anxiety and depression for a time. But then life gets back to normal. He's not drinking and all seems well again. Though trust has been broken and so knowing that at any time he could relapse and I will find out about it is overwhelming at times.
The lady I've been talking to from CR is telling me I need to emotionally detach. Not talk to him about my feelings. Not talk to him about his recovery. Not encourage him toward recovery because it needs to be all his idea. I understand to some extent that I shouldn't pressure him into going to groups or anything. But I guess I feel like to take such a drastic step of moving away from my husband emotionally doesn't feel right at all. Our relationship is still a top priority to me, and I think it should be. If he was drinking regularly it would be different but Especially when it seems he is moving forward with recovery, I don't see the point.
And I also don't understand detachment in this respect either: if your spouse does something hurtful, it hurts. It should. They are your spouse. So I don't understand how detachment is fully healthy. I get it to an extent, especially if the alcoholic is drinking on a regular basis. But I still feel like I am in the beginning of this process and I don't get why I shouldnt be devastated by it. I would be devastated if I learned he had cheated.
So, help me please. What am I missing? Also, I don't understand why we can't help each other in our recoveries if we are both active in it (which he is, despite a relapse). In an emotionally close relationship, you talk about everything. It feels unnatural to avoid this one topic.
When I read things online I feel like my situation is so different. Not that he still doesn't have a problem. But it seems so many on here really feel stuck with their AH's. The types of behavior I read it about from the A's are so different from what I experience. I really pray that he continues in his recovery and it never goes there.
I know I need recovery too. I definitely am acclimating quickly to some codependent behaviors. I definitely want to learn to handle this better. And to have a life outside of ours together, especially for when he does drink, that I don't just feel like, "what do I do now?"
So, again, what am I missing? I read that it takes years to really feel like you start to "get it" with codependency 12 steps. Is that the problem? I do want to fully get into recovery, but I don't feel fully committed to the 12 steps because of these hesitations. I don't know if it's an improper understanding or just a different belief. Help please.