One night when I was in my 4th year of sobriety, I ended up over at my sponsor's house. I was ranting, raving, screaming, almost foaming at the mouth about that S.O.B. I was married to and how he had 'spoiled' a perfectly wonderful dinner by not coming home, but going gambling instead.
Hugh, my sponsor's hubby, also in the program of AA, sat me down at the breakfast bar in their kitchen on my favorite stool and he sat on his stool. He looked at me for a few moments, went shhhh a few times as I was still sputtering. Then he said:
"what is he/she/it/they not doing, that YOU want he/she/it/they to do, when YOU want he/she/it/they to do it, to make YOU more comfortable?
And then he sat there while I stewed, knowing full well my 'light bulb' would turn on.
It did, took some time, but it did. It was MY EXPECTATIONS of someone who was not capable or didn't want to fulfill those expectations. Then Hugh who was AA all the way and used to joke about Alanon, but did love the Alanoners dearly, gave me some wonderful Alanon advice. Stop. Just Stop. Go about your life, living it the way you want YOUR life to be.
Make your suppers for you and anyone coming over, enjoy it while it hot, then clean up and put leftovers away. If you have a birthday coming up, go celebrate with the one you love, LIVE YOUR LIFE. If he doesn't mow the lawn call a lawn service and have the bill sent to him at work (we lived in Southern California). You do your chores, if he does not do his, hire someone and send the bill to him.
He gave me a whole list of 'what ifs' and how I could proceed. I swear I wrote for hours, lol My expectations, shessh who would have thunk that one? lol I started trying to take their suggestions and before even a few days had past I found my anger abating. Each day I was able to 'drop' another expectation.
Then his job transferred him to the Reno area of Nevada. Oh boy, just what we needed with him and his gambling. I still think to this day he manipulated them somehow to get transferred. Doesn't matter. Instead of again going crazy trying to pack, get organized, nope his company was paying X amount for the move, I called I believe it was Allied, had them come out, pack the whole house load their truck and move us.
Oh I did go up there ahead of our move and found a house that I LIKED, could have cared less if he liked it or not. Got the total for the the move from Allied. Gave them the check his employer had given me, they deducted it and I took a copy showing the balance, gave it to Ken (he had just got paid and was heading out) told him I needed HIS check for the balance and it better not bounce. He wrote the check.
When Allied got our things to the new house, they unloaded the truck and two of Allied employees stayed and unpacked every box they had packed and helped put things away. Knowing full well, even though I had bought a 'snow blower' (more for me as a toy, lol) that I could not have expectations of him shoveling the walks or clearing the driveway in the winter time, I contracted with a service that did that and HE got the bill.
Yep I was working too. I paid for what I had agreed to when the marriage started. I paid the mortgage (the house was in my name) and I paid the utilities. I bought the groceries. He got to either do all the work that was required, lawn care, pool care, snow removal, plumbing fixes, etc or a tradesman was hired and he paid for it.
I got better, my anger abated as I went through the grieving process and kept working and living my 12 step program. It did not last much longer. We moved up there the end of February of '85 and we were divorced on July 10, 1987. And I kept moving forward.
Now, my starting to learn about my 'expectations' of others helped me with so many folks in my life, from co workers, to bosses, to friends in and out of AA, to the clerk checking me out at the grocery store.
The HARDEST thing for me with all this 'expectation stuff' was my expectations of MYSELF. Whew that one was really the hardest of all. I had to learn to be softer, kinder, and more gentle with me! That was and can still sometimes be a hard one
for me, lol
So go ahead, be angry, write about that anger, look at your 'expectations' and decide
what you want to do with those expectations. It may not seem like it is working but
you will wake up one morning and realize the anger is gone.
J M H O
Love and hugs,