Originally Posted by
LaTeeDa 
What I soon realized, though, is that my "marriage working" really meant "him changing." If that is what you want, then you may as well give it up now and save yourself a lot of heartache.
If you really want your marriage to work, the only way is to accept him, exactly as he is and stop expecting him to live up to your standards. This was a hard one for me, because I couldn't understand how you cannot have expectations for a husband. What I learned was, it's okay to have expectations for a husband (the role of husband), but it's futile to expect a person to fill the role just because you have cast them in it.
So really, it's your choice to make. You can accept him as he is and modify your expectations of the husband role, or you can uncast him in that part. There is no molding him into who you want him to be, no forcing a square peg into a round hole. I believe that is why you are angry and you have total control over your own expectations.
L
Thank you for this. It certainly gives me a lot to continue to think about, as my AH and I are separated- his decision i did not want to separate. I'm trying like hell to make the marriage work by addressing my shortcomings, counseling, and attending al anon. Wanting to constantly change my husband into what I wanted him to be is truly what I have been doing a lot of the time -- how he treated me, comforted me, on and on. My needs are/were not getting met. My expectations were disconnected with reality.
Again, thank you for this.