brandon18

Hello all, I had been drinking a lot in the past 7 years and many years before that. I became a functional drunk where I could get through the day and work without any real issues but my head was always cloudy and I had real negative feelings and outlook on life. Very cynical about everything. I stopped drinking when I got married but eventually returned to it and it became literally a handicap that affected everything in my life. I never had the true desire to quit despite feeling sick every morning and going on weekend binges where I was essentially drinking all day then calling into work sick on many Monday's.

I drank through the week as well, such a strong habit! I would get home from work around 4pm each day and have finished a bottle of white wine by about 5:30pm while I sit in the basement watching tv away from my family. I have 2 kids under the age of 3 and whenever they would come downstairs I would have to hide the glass of beer and my little one would be picking up beer cans from behind the TV set or ones I had thrown across the room.

I would say each weeknight I would drink about 10 beers from the hours of 4pm to 11pm, plus smoke marijuana and then eventually go up to bed with my wife. I would kick and move about through my sleep with not a care in the world. Waking up in the morning I would feel like crap and often throw up to try and feel better before going to work.

I could never do anything on weekends, with the kids or my parents or anyone because I would begin drinking at 7:30am. I never left the house really. I associated drinking with all the activities I found fun, I felt like I needed to drink in order to get that super buzz to make things interesting.

I avoided the doctor in the past few years and finally went about a month ago. My liver tested terrible and I had borderline diabetes they told me. I take anti-depressant medication since I was 18 but still drank and smoked cigarettes (1 pack) and marijuana in a pipe every day. I am overweight, couldn't get up the stairs with my daughter on my back without being out of breath, felt depressed all the time (when I wasn't drinking).

I was scared to quit, everytime I tried to go without alcohol it would last 3 days then I would feel alright again and go right back to my old habits. My hands would shake at work, horrible nightmare dreams at night, sweating profusely in bed, feeling that "itchy" feeling like my body was crying out for a drink. I never went more than 3 days sober (if I even was as I had so much booze in my system).

Finally this past June 1st I said that's it and decided to make a change. No more alcohol, period and knew I would have to suffer through the detox period and was really scared. I didn't tell anyone at first and just explained I was sick, but I made it through the first week then told my wife and my dad and asked them to hold me accountable and explained I wanted to make a change in my life.

It's now been 14 days and I haven't bought or consumed any alcohol. I cleaned up all my beer cans and gin bottles and all the stuff that had been piling up in secret areas of my basement. Last week I finally felt like I had energy and my head was clear, allowing me to have positive thoughts and begin to enjoy all the things I had been numb to for so long. I turn 40 next year, I want to stay on this path and reclaim all the enjoyment of life that drinking and partying (plus getting myself into dangerous situations) has robbed me of. I drink to get drunk, plain and simple and realize I'm not a person who can have 2 beers in a sitting, I need to completely get drunk to the point where I feel numb and forget about all the hurtful things I have done in the past, my self-image I could ignore, but it was all fake.

I used to travel alot for work in my last job which I had for almost 7 years. Being overseas and alone on the road enabled me to live life like I was single and I'm very ashamed of my past. I realize now I can't change that and have asked for forgiveness from God (I'm Christian) and I understand I need to focus on the now, the present, and make the best of everyday moving forward.

Many of the posts on here have really inspired me and I wish I could thank each poster. I feel bright about the future and want to remain sober and start to serve my family and friends in my life and enjoy all the things a "natural and sober life" has to offer.

Thanks for letting me share my story!