Like LaTeDa and TuffGirl, I had to let go of the relationship to let go of the anger and resentments I had toward the EX. What I discovered after, was the anger I had toward myself, for the expectations I had as to what I wanted out of our relationship.
Working on letting go of that anger was the hardest for me - having to admit to myself that my expectations of the life we should have had together were never going to be realized. The more I stewed about that, the worse the anger got. Two books that really helped me deal with this were "From Anger to Forgiveness" by Earnie Larson and "The Missing Peace" by John Lee. I journalled, I had a great counselor, Al-Anon meetings and my sponsor helped me deal with all of this, but it was ultimately up to me how I dealt with those feelings.
Along with the anger and resentment, I dealt with the loss - not only of the relationship, but of the dream of spending my life with someone I truly loved. That was a big blow to me, and it was like grieving when my dad passed away, genuine feelings of loss.
No, this was not what I signed up for when I got into this relationship, but coming through on the other side, I survived all of it but I had to let go of the relationship in order to move on.
I've learned a lot about myself, the patterns of my previous relationships, how I dealt with the feelings there and now, feeling a whole lot better about myself.It's a daily struggle, but one that was for me, an eyeopener and lifesaver but one that has helped me achieve more stability and peace than I thought possible.