Sweete,
It really does hurt. It is awful to experience so much pain caused by someone's selfish alcoholism. But you will get through this. You have us and you have Al-Anon. You also have a HP to lean on.
Having a HP has always been a difficult concept for me. Especially when I'm suffering and in despair. It just didn't make sense to me that a higher being was somewhere watching me suffer. I changed my perspective. I now believe a HP was always with me...*helping* me get through. I was hurt, neglected, and abused...but I survived and I'm still here.
For me, I sometimes have to totally stop my self-pity and turn on the gratitude. Find the funny in life (something we talked about in my last F2F meeting) and be grateful for any and every thing you can be grateful for. Your children's smile, their laughter, a hot shower, warm cup of coffee. *I* am grateful your little daughter has you to look after her and baby her as she recovers from her illness. *I* an grateful you come here to let it out. *I* will send a little prayer for you.
Close your eyes and breathe. Pray. Keep posting. You are not a victim, you are a survivor. And you rock.
Love,
Lily