You are grieving. 14 years is a long time. Let it be there, but maybe put limits on it...
I am sorry you are in such pain. I have been there.
It can feel bottomless...But it is not bottomless.
Let yourself feel. A good therapist once told me to set an alarm, everyday. To let myself cry and be destitute for a limited amount of time. Let it be there, all there, and when the alarm goes off, pick yourself up and do your daily stuff. Next day, let it out some more. I thought, how can you just stop? But, you know what? It worked.
This also helps to keep it from feeling endless and gives you a sense of control over your emotions that feel out of control.
Just something that works for me when things are that hard.