You are not alone. I spent some time this evening wondering why I can't relax this weekend, and perhaps a drink would help me unwind? Don't remember the last drink I had- oh wait- i do, I was made to feel guilty about it back in January. Had the "if you can't beat 'em join 'em" thoughts, but then I realized that going to the liquor store would expose me to people just like my ABF, and that stopped me!
I am afraid my guy is getting ready to leave me behind my back, springing it on me when I am most vulnerable. I often thank God I don't have kids involved in all of this, but then I read your comment and realize they are such a blessing. Someone else to be strong for, motivate you when it's really hard to do it for yourself. And they love you.
One other thing- I noticed you wrote that he gets to go out and have fun and leave you with the mess. Yup, get that, but I've been finding it easier to forgive when I change my language a little to " he has to go out" and drink and do whatever... Just a little mental trick I learned, because through it all, I still really care about him... I'm proud of you just going to the beach.