To help myself recognize a truly sober man from one who is not, I picked up a used copy of a book called "Emotional Sobriety" published by the AA Grapevine. It contains personal stories by recovering alcoholics of how they used to be and how they are trying to be today.
Here is a quote from a chapter:
"As active alcoholics, most of us are self-centered, and when we come into AA, our behavior can still be motivated by selfishness, self-seeking, self-pity, and self-centered fear. As we stay sober, however, we get released from the 'bondage of self,' as the Big Book puts it. We no longer have to be the center of the universe. We learn a little humility. We give up the idea that the world must always respond promptly to our demands....We stop playing God--and it turns out there is relief and freedom in that."
I share this just to affirm what you already know, what all of us have experienced: that an active alcoholic is dominating, selfish, frequently ruthless, and seemingly without remorse for the pain he creates all around him. He wants what he wants, and if he doesn't get it, you'll pay.
True recovery for an alcoholic is a return to his divine nature and a conscious decision not to be controlled by his predatory animal nature. He must learn to give, to make the highest good of others as important as his own, and to make action amends for the damage he created and creates.
Our recovery is to a return to our own divine nature, which will not accept abuse or domination. In recovery we stop placing the alcoholic at the center of our universe. We let go self-pity and accept our responsibility to live by our values.
I think that even in sobriety, an alcoholic can continue to evade the profound inner work necessary to re-make himself after years of drinking. And even when she leaves the alcoholic, the codependent can evade her own profound inner work, spinning into yet another painful relationship, and blaming someone outside herself because she did not do her work.
So both sides have to step up, and with time and attention to the soul, get well.