Originally Posted by lizatola
The one thing that really keeps me here is that he doesn't tear me down in front of others. He builds me up and talks highly of me to his work associates and to his tennis friends. I know he has good qualities and when I see them peek through, that's when I get hopeful.
XABF used to do this about me, too... Verbally abuse me when it was just us, but praise me as a Saint in front of everyone else.
It kept me hooked for the longest time - "Well, he doesn't really believe all those other things, because look at what he tells others about me!" - until I realized that I was on display, and it was all about what a wonderful woman he could attract and all the places he'd take her, so he could brag to his friends. It was a facade, just like my hopes that there really was a relationship, that somewhere he cared about me for me.
But it wasn't real.
When you look up lists of emotional abuse attributes, they often include a bullet point about behaving one way in public or for an audience, and behaving the opposite when it's just the two of you. Sometimes it's even a form of gaslighting.
My ex -- he threw me crumbs and I was so hungry I learned to snatch them up and be grateful for the crumbs. But the hunger never went away and instead of leaving, I learned how to cope with the suffering by needing less, making myself smaller, and blaming myself.