Hi Alxndr,
Welcome to SR!
Great advice given so far but my radar zoned in on a couple of things that I would like to ask you about.
You have a lot on your plate with a business to run, children to protect and a wife who has serious issues with dishonesty, addiction as well as PTSD as a result of sexual abuse.
I am amazed that for many years your wife was able to pull off ripping off the business and spending vast sums of stolen money while abusing booze and pills and yet was able to accomplish keeping house, raising kids and a happy marriage all at the same time!
With her embezzling the money were you forced to work harder and be absent from the family more and that is how she was able to keep her secrets so successfully? As a recovering codependent and workaholic this is how my XA was able to pull off his super secret drinking and other shenanigans.
I spent 4 very looooooooong difficult years completely devoted to using every ounce of my life energy to "save" my XA because I was sure...completely positive... that he was the love of my life and he was going to be one of the few who made it through the alcoholic maze and we were going to live happily ever after.
Fast forward. I was wrong. BUT... I took care of me 2.5 years into the relationship and got into recovery! I joined this site, alanon, started reading books (plenty of titles we can recommend) and this was huge: I got a GREAT counselor and began to unravel me and my own issues that made me want BROKEN men so I can superglue them back together!
So.... my advice to you is find a GREAT... (not good) counselor who is well versed in addiction, abuse and relationships and plug your wife in as well as yourself (seperately at first) and make your goal to find out the WHY you were attracted to your wife. You made not have connected the dots consciusly but trust me our wounded souls seek out certain types of people.
I personally always am attracted to same guy! Amazingly his personality and issues are just like dear old dad... the guy who abused and rejected me and I have to go home and fix it... (or used to).
Secondly... the workaholic, controller part of me has all kinds of warning bells on her being able to get her hands on money despite best efforts to stop her from overspending... SAY WHAT????
Cut up the credit cards, get her off the checking accounts and if she steals something have her butt arrested! If she is in "recovery" she should not be in any stores unless it is a grocery store and I do hope she is not shoplifting or stealing from other relatives.
Is she in AA and does she have a sponsor? Is she doing the steps? Being completely HONEST is one of the core components of AA ... if she gets this she will be on her way to possibly getting her problems under control.
Take what you need and leave the rest... and keep coming back cuz we do care and understand what you are going through!