Hugs to you.
You express what many of us feel at night...or on the weekend,especially a holiday one when it seems most are spending time with their families.
It sucks. There's no other way to put it. But when the daylight comes be at peace knowing that you have done the right thing for yourself and your babies. You can't change the past but you can resolve to have a future that is healthy. You deserve that and so do your children. It isn't fair that you are left being responsible. That they get to go off and do what they want with their alcohol for companionship. Their true love.
Tomorrow will be brighter.