feelingalone43

He says he's sorry for being mean (verbally) to me, and takes all the blame for his recent behavior. He claims he wouldn't blame me a bit if we are done and would understand if I can't take it anymore. He also says he will do whatever it takes to not lose me and what we have (but will not commit to counseling).

I told him that I don't have any answers right now as to what our future holds. I let him know that actions speak louder than words, and that I'm sure he can control his outbursts for a time. I am so tired of this cycle. What happens next time he gets too stressed? He says he'll make sure not to take on too much at one time. What about all the things I do that bug him? He'll do whatever he can to be able to deal with those like "normal" people do.

Of course, all this comes after he has had some down time to reflect on how he's been acting. Now that his mind isn't consumed with all the stuff on his plate, he feels guilty for being nasty. And naturally, he can only get better if I support him.

This doesn't seem to have anything to do with drinking, and he can't say I'm trying to control him, because I've gotten to the point of embracing the three C's. He did snidely comment on the fact that if a guest comes here, I will offer them a beer (or pop, or tea, or water, but he just hears the beer part), but that I won't go buy his beer for him. I told him it's because these guests are not addicted to it. Just as I would not give one of my prescription pain pills (if I had any) to someone I knew was addicted to them. He had no answer for that one.

I also had the opportunity to tell him how it feels to have him talk bad about people for doing some of the same things he does. He hates when people give kids, or animals extra attention when they are acting up, that it is rewarding bad behavior. But last year he got a ticket for having an open intox on public property. So when he went to court for it a month later, he decided he may as well go to a NASCAR race, and a baseball game while he was there. So he spent money on a hotel, court fines, race tickets, and baseball tickets for himself and a friend. Can you say "hypocrite"?

Right now I am at the point of feeling like whatever happens, happens. I am going to continue living my life, visiting with my family, being a good mom to my kids, and he can get help with his issues, or not.

Thanks again for letting me vent. Feels so good to write it down, and re-read it. It confirms my belief that he is the one with the problem, so he is the one who needs to deal with it.