When I was actively using, I put my dad/stepmom and everyone else who loved me through hell. I distanced myself, had been on my own for years, so not a HUGE deal but then they knew I was on dope (crack). My dad came to the 'hood where I stayed a few times..sometimes I met with him, sometimes, I avoided him (shame).
I got locked up...called dad, "get me OUT!" He couldn't. I was ordered to a diversion center and there was nothing he could do about it.
Sometimes he/stepmom would come to visit me, sometimes not. I learned something...their life was going on, despite what I was doing. I wanted to BE a part of their life (along with the rest of my family) and I couldn't do that unless I got clean.
I did...for the better part of a year, then relapsed. It was when I said "I can't do this any more" and came back home.
My stepmom is an A, dad is an enabler, and I COULD use, for a while, without them knowing, but I have no desire. As I am also a loved one of A's, I understand the pain. I simply can't, and won't do that to my loved ones again.
I hit bottom because the people who loved me LET me. I know...it tore them apart, but it was the right thing to do. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, had my loved ones allowed me to continue using, bailing me out when I got locked up? I'd either still be using, or I would be dead, just as my XABF who shared a crack addiction with me.
I KNOW how hard it is, though not as a parent, but as a niece, cousin, stepdaughter, etc. of A's. I know that death is a possibility - I should be dead, but HP had other plans.
The best advice I can give is keep on living your life. Yes, I know it's hard when you feel as if your heart has been ripped apart. However, there may come a time when your A wants to be a part of your life again, as I did. I was hit with the fact that babies were being born, people died, my nieces/nephews didn't even know me and it was too much.
It may not work for every A, but it worked for me...that and a LOT of reading here about codependency, which was my primary problem.
I keep all A's and whoever loves them in my prayers. My job takes me through a few "hoods" and when I see the A's, I wonder...are they the child of someone I adore on SR? Even if they aren't, I'm pretty sure they have people who love them, are in pain, and I say extra prayers.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy