Originally Posted by lesliej

Hello Black and Blue,

I am feeling for you. I think when the contact has been recent all sorts of dynamics come into play. All the sleeping demons wake up. The elixir gets stirred.

Like you I recently saw my ex. I allowed him to meet a friend and I at a big outdoor celebration and then he met me at my house for a bite to eat and a "conversation". The conversation turned into an argument. A lot of the old dynamics of pain, shame and blame showed up...and I am still battling them back down after almost two weeks. It's so identical to a relapse...you use (just a "little bit"/just a hangout in the park like we used to do/just a "conversation"...) and you have to deal with the consequences!

So about ten days after seeing him, four days after texting him, and one day after fighting on the phone...I am back to step ONE. And I am praying.

Why am I praying??? Because there is some part of me, a deep inside yearning...that he WILL keep calling, keep texting, keep showing up and begging. Why do I secretly want this? Because I keep finding that I have this fantasy that somehow he will get it...that the conflicts and anger/shame/blame that we share will somehow help him see that his addiction is the heart of manipulation and dis-ease. Because I keep thinking that I can SEE his beautiful spirit if he would only stop using. Because I WANT him...and it has been proven to me again and again and again...that I can't have Jekyll without Hyde.

I don't even know if Hyde is that bad. The conversations/arguments/blame/shame gets so twisted around in the tornado between us that I start to doubt my own sanity...
"am I developing personality disorder?" "am I selfish and uncompassionate?" "am I a narcissistic abuser?"

these are the consequences.
I have to own the fact that I wanted a little bit of my drug
I wanted some of that oh-so-seductive elixir
I keep disregarding the evidence and thinking I can sneak in and get just a little...that maybe I will help him see the way toward a clean and healthy constant supply
that my withholding should have done some good by now
that my punishment of not seeing him should have helped by now
that I should get some reward of his love for having resisted/avoided/withdrawn for some amount of time

it's really hard. my heart has its cravings, I am an addict and I need to face my addiction and own it. its hard

I offer my voice, (my admission and tangential thread hi-jacking) as a way to allow space to open to a dark/difficult truth that many of us carry. blessings and peace...
as my daily meditation reminded me today..."keep shining the light on our own monsters"

hugs and strength,
leslie