Originally Posted by
wonderfullife 
If its killing me slowly, why do I love it
Do not mistake happiness for pleasure; they are two different things. Once you understand the structural model of addiction as GT mentioned you will see your Beast is putting everything you hold dear on the line to feel that buzz. It's not as good as it used to be, right? I'm willing to bet some days now, it doesn't even feel that good at all—and if it does, it doesn't last long.
Get yourself a copy of Rational Recovery: The New Cure.