Hi SR friends,
I wanted to update everyone on some major life changes I've been going through over the last few months. I know I have eluded to them in posts here and there...but by laying it all out, like ady gil likes to say, it helps to hold myself accountable.
My RAH and I are divorcing. 18 months of sobriety for him, 2 years of Al-Anon recovery for me. And we still can't seem to get past a certain point in this marriage. That point is actually having a marriage, at least in regards to what it looks like to me. I finally realized after another painfully frustrating conversation that I wasn't being fair to either of us by waiting and hoping that things would magically turn around and we'd start having what I believe marriage is. To this day, I still don't understand a lot of things, like what happened to the man I fell in love with? Who was that man?! And how the man I ended up with can be so ignorant to what women want from men. To me, being kind and treating others well is easy and preferable. Putting my loved ones at the top of my priority list is second nature as a Mother, daughter, sister, lover, friend. But you see - this is how
I think. This is what
I value. And that's ok; but its
not ok to expect someone else to think and value the same things as me.
I made a lot of compromises in this 5 year relationship. I changed a lot of things about the way I lived to accommodate this man into my life and family. And much of it I was ok with, as I believe it is what we do when we agree to share a life with another person. But there is a line where it becomes codependent, and I crossed that line too often, compromising myself in ways that I am not proud of nor comfortable with. And I didn't set a good example for my teenage daughters. For that I will always feel twinges of guilt.
I am angry, I admit that. Angry and bitter. But those emotions will pass in time, and I know myself well enough at this point to know I still believe in the best of people. Call me naive...I am ok with that. It is the person I want to be - trusting and believing. And realistic at the same time. I
don't want to be cynical...for me life is no fun when I am always looking for the dark side.
My older daughter graduated from high school last week. I am so flippin proud! She is the success story I think of when I look back on my life; they both are.
I had to put my big old dog to sleep - the cancer was advancing quickly and I swore I would not let her suffer. She died peacefully, with her head in my lap. Her last breakfast was thick cut bacon - her favorite. I miss her.
The RAH and I bought a puppy two months ago, in anticipation of losing my two older dogs in the near future. It didn't go well. He can keep the puppy...the girls and I adopted an older pup from the pound a few weeks ago. He's a ham...and so happy! He was a stray who came in with a rubber band around his tail...some moron tried to dock the tail by cutting off the blood supply. People never cease to amaze me! Idiots. So after having tail surgery and being neutered, he is back to good health and is just a big lug. We enjoy him very much. I'll upload a photo later so everyone can meet Beau.
So life is good, over all. I hate that I have gone through all of this, but at the same time am glad for all the new lessons learned, and that I came through it with my good attitude intact. It isn't always easy. But thanks to Al-Anon and SR, I've learned so many new ways of coping and new perspectives on painful experiences. I am looking forward to a new chapter in my life!
Thanks all here who have carried me through the last 18 months. I plan to keep coming back!
~T