Thank you. I don't expect anything to be on speaker phone. But the conversations only take place when I am not home, preferably even away for a weekend so there is no chance I could walk in on it. I have never been with someone before who has children, but I don't think it is normal for all conversations with the ex to be so secretive. I know she will always be a part of his life so how can he expect me to stay with him and marry him when for at least the next 12 years I will feel on the outside.
Although he is sober, I still think this is related. Because his indescretions happened when he was still drinking, he thinks I should just be able to forget about it and trust that because he is sober now he is not lying to me the way he was before. But I always read here that even after finding sobriety we often still have to deal with the lying and manipulation.
All I wanted was an open relationship, because that is what I give to him. There is no one that I talk to who I can't talk to in front of him. I think if you are not comfortable doing something in front of the person that you are supposedly committed to then it is probably not ok.
He also tells me that these are my problems to get over and I should go to alanon more. But I see it as me setting a clear boundary :: Do not keep conversations with your ex a secret :: and he continues to very intentionally cross that.
It is hard giving up something that you have invested so much in. But I guess eventually you either cut your losses or continue to feel used.