I spent about 20 years with XABF#1. I was a raging codie, he was a functioning alcoholic and usually had other gf's. I accepted it, thought that was the best I deserved. I turned to drugs to deal with it, found two MORE XABFs, then finally found recovery for addiction and codependency.
Haven't seen this guy in about 10 years. Recently reconnected with a dear mutual friend and found out he'd married one of the other gf's. Now, there is no WAY I want him back, but it threw me for a loop...why didn't he marry me? What did she have that I didn't? On and on.
I finally sat down and wrote a pros/cons list of what our relationship had been like. It's then that I saw that though were good times, there was always a price to pay for them. Why did he choose her? Simple...she's worse of a codie than I was. I told my friend and her daughter, when we met for lunch, that I always thought I could "fix him". They both busted out laughing, said "oh, trust us...he's STILL not fixed, far from it".
I also realize that he couldn't handle the person I've become. The first time he lit into me, verbally, like he used to? I'd be gone.
Yes, I do sometimes regret "wasting 20 years" with him, but I also realized that he was part of a path I needed to walk. I still haven't quite figured out what all I want in a man, but I damned sure know what I DON'T want, and that's progress
Hugs and prayers,
Amy