Hi Abby,
And welcome. I know that voice you describe well - the "I'm drinking and my mind is made up" voice. I think that was what I told myself so I wouldn't torment myself about doing something to myself I knew was not a good idea. Then the torment I put myself through by drinking hard was worse.
I'm certainly not out of the woods on this deal yet but I can tell you that after a while of not drinking I am not having nearly as much of that debate and subsequent bad decision-making in my head anymore. It gets better after a while. At least it did for me. If you can put a few sober Saturdays behind you I think it may start to get easier to not assume you are going to drink, and may start to be the new normal for you. It was a gut it out thing for me for a while. Best of luck.