I am home safe and back to reality. From this journey, I have learned that addiction is a complex and powerful illness. I have learned that in an addictive relationship I will never be free to fully and openly express myself. I have learned that it will be a dance where if I step out of line even for a moment that I will pay a heavy price. I see that I am being controlled, owned, manipulated, and dismissed. I see how attempting to maintain any kind of relationship with a non-recovering addict is enabling on some level. It is deceiving that he is not using. All of the love, the charm, the kindness, the warmth- all deceiving and appealing. What is underneath is coming to the surface and is painful. It has been there all along and grows with each trauma. And so here I am back to remembering self-care, step one, humility, and the serenity prayer. Once again, it is time to dive deep and let go again. With blessings and prayers-May we all continue to learn from each other. Thanks to all for this forum where I feel safe to be honest and open.