Hi...... I can't and wont tell you what to do. I can share my experience and what I did and what worked for me. I left my ex at least 2 times before I left a third for good and with no contact. I was in alnon for two years before I left the very last time, and continue to go to meetings. For me I had a hard time trusting my gut. It took pratice. At first I did not even know what my gut feelings were because I had mostly ignored them a majority of my life. So it took time. And if I talk with my ex which now its been six years since our split, I have to make sure im in a good place mentally and emotionaly or I can get hooked, because I still care about him. Its taken me time/years and alot of hard work and certainly I still don't get things right and still slip up. I just have to keep the focus on me and go to meetings and really listen when im there, share and take inventory of me.....
Sweetie no one can tell you what to do or not do. You have to go through what you go through and find your way. What can you live with, trust your gut, be gentle with yourself. Change ttakes time, be honest with yourself, which it sounds like you are. I can say alanon changed my life but im not done yet and I keep going back. To work on me little by little one day at a time..... it takes what it takes and from my experience that means different things for different people at different times. Ultimately the goals are all the same serenity, healthy thinking courage to change the things we can, accept the things we can't and the wisdom to know the difference. Prayers going up for!