The disease feeds itself on resentments. The AA Big Book has much in it about this.
It does not matter what the addict decides to resent--the sex, the dinner, the color of the front door, the mail being late, the price of gas, his boss, the taste of the coffee, the neighbor's cat, your voice, your hair, your clothes, your career, your friends, your basic need for decent treatment......
Some wives, and husbands, have not been truly loved in a meaningful way by their addict spouses for decades. One of my close friends--not in recovery--has stayed with her A for 25 years and been extremely abused by his bitter lashings out at her, at home and in public.
When I asked her why she stays, she says that she thought she could prevent him from driving off drunk and killing somebody.
I once gave her a small box of recovery literature. It sits unopened in her garage. She still suffers and he has moved from alcohol to pills.
So I just love her and talk about other things.
brokenwife, maybe if you sit down with pen and paper and find again your highest values, your principles for living an honorable life, you will find your center. You will know better who you are. You will be able to say no and able to say yes from a feeling of conviction. You will measure the choice before you, at any time, against your principles and find your answer.