Originally Posted by
blackandblue 
I am playing with fire when I know the consequences. I am looking for loopholes and justifications that something good could possibly come out of this. I think my attitude was well- why not? It is about weakness and loneliness. It is the about the rush. It is about the desire. It is curiosity. It is about my addiction to him. It is about craving.
Truth be told- the relationship is dying a really slow death. Truth be told- he even knows that and he is likely testing my boundaries. I know that real love within me will open up in my heart once I let go. But letting go has been a process I don't do well. I have never ripped a band-aid off in my life.
He has no recovery that I am aware of and I am just beginning mine. 3 months in Al-anon and 1 month of counseling. I think unconscious desires are playing a part in my decision and it feels like a powerful pull. I think I just miss the connection and affection. It seems like that world is so far gone. The world of trust, intimacy, and love. False hope. Insecurity. Trembling. I need to wake up.
Anvilhead used a great example of the similarity between addict and codependent. I truly believe that addiction and codependence are versions of the same disease manifesting in a different set of behaviors.
Throwing away the ticket would be like an addict flushing the drugs he just bought down the toilet. The same type of justification would go on with them. Why not do it....just one more time.....I've got it.....I've already spent the money......I'll stop after this. As a codependent, I've gotten caught in that thinking thousands of times.
In early recovery, the addict is advised to stay away from the drug as well as the people he use to hang out with. The addict
is the codependent's drug. There is a saying in AA/NA.....if you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you're eventually going to get a haircut. The message.....stop hanging out in the barbershop becomes a powerful analogy. As a codependent, I finally had to realize that I needed to stop "hanging out with the barber".
Addicts have a voice in their head telling them they shouldn't do "it" and another voice in their head saying "do it do it do it". As a codependent, I have those same two little voices and sometimes one is screaming at me....but the one that is whispering is the one I listen to.....and shouldn't.
gentle hugs
ke