Mending My Boundary Fence
Uggg... I have got to stop taking down my boundary fence.
I made a clear boundary a few months ago that I would not be involved with someone on methadone treatment. I really thought it was a boundary that I would not cross, but here I find myself deeply involved with my AB while he is enrolled in MMT.
To give him credit it seems he is clean of any other substance, and he has been working.
Anyways I allowed myself to be talked into trying it, by the mmt clinic, my AB, and the pro mmt literature out there. It may work for some - but I have watched my AB get worse over the past month (he has been in mmt for almost 3 months). It is like living with someone on opiates all over again.
My other boundary was my AB needed to be working a recovery program. Type of program and frequency is up to AB, as it is his recovery. The recovery program AB picked was mmt and the once weekly required meeting at the clinic. nothing else. uggg.
So I am in the process of rebuilding my boundary. I know crossing my boundaries is unhealthy so I am making sure I am not making unrealistic boundaries for myself.
I am attending individual therapy - it is going well. My counselor is a good match for me. I am waiting to see the doctor next month to be prescribed meds. I am bi-polar, with major depressions, and a recovering addict. Think I am needing a little help.
I attended my first alanon meeting a week ago. I was glad I was able to finally go into one. I hope to go back, but Ab is fighting about me going to alanon and at this time I can not use his car. there is a meeting about a mile away tonight, so I am hoping I can make it to that one if the rain holds off.
The tension in the house was so heavy last night, I had to just walk away. I think I walked for close to 2 hours. I had no particular destination in mind, just walked. AB did jump in the car and drove next to me for a little in the beginning, but I kept the music turned up loud so I couldn't hear him, and turned into fenced field that he couldn't drive into.... the rest of the walk was just me. When I realized that I was no longer thinking about what was going on at home, I took a few more steps and then just turned around and headed home. The first half of the walk got rid of all my frustrations, the second half of the walk was for me. It was great therapy. When I returned, AB was still tense and ready to fight - his famous words "game on."
So today is a new day - time for me to start mending my boundary fence. I so want to enjoy my pasture of a life without letting the cows come thru and "sh*t" on my grass. They need to go on their own grass before coming to visit....lol