I am playing with fire when I know the consequences. I am looking for loopholes and justifications that something good could possibly come out of this. I think my attitude was well- why not? It is about weakness and loneliness. It is the about the rush. It is about the desire. It is curiosity. It is about my addiction to him. It is about craving.
Truth be told- the relationship is dying a really slow death. Truth be told- he even knows that and he is likely testing my boundaries. I know that real love within me will open up in my heart once I let go. But letting go has been a process I don't do well. I have never ripped a band-aid off in my life.
He has no recovery that I am aware of and I am just beginning mine. 3 months in Al-anon and 1 month of counseling. I think unconscious desires are playing a part in my decision and it feels like a powerful pull. I think I just miss the connection and affection. It seems like that world is so far gone. The world of trust, intimacy, and love. False hope. Insecurity. Trembling. I need to wake up.