I am feeling so much of what you are, even though I can't really explain it. But my issue seems to be more about fear of future relapse than anything.
It's been about 5 months for us too; so maybe it's just some stage that has to be gone through.*
I have no advice but wanted you to know that your not alone with the head-spinning thing.*
*
My now fiancé overdosed at Xmas on cocaine.*
That one night was the only time drugs were in my life; but admittedly they were in his past.
Since then he has been doing really well. Following his recovery plan; and looking towards the future. *Things between us are really good also; and I'm so excited about our future and everything we are planning.*
But there is a tiny part of me that can't let go of this fear I have built up over what could happen in the future.**Most of me wants to let that future thought' go (and that's what he also thinks i should do) but this tiny part of me says don't - hold onto it out of some sort of self preservation.*
And I feel so guilty. *It's like I'm at a crossroads and have to pick which way to go. Or like I'm standing on a cliff about to jump into the ocean below- *wanting to be free and knowing it's my choice whatever happens.'
*
So so confusing.*