wanttobehealthy

I haven't done anything I'll regret yet, but I have considered it and I know better. Call this my need to confess or something I guess. I figure if I talk about it here (already talked to my T and sponsor too and am still mulling it around in my mind) then there's no where I'm "hiding" this info from if that makes any sense.

Here's the story... It's not directly about AH but it relates to my codie issues and bad choices so I figure here's as good a place as any.

I became good friends with a guy I taught with for the past two years. Last Spring when I learned my job was cut I kind of pulled away from everyone I worked with and let a few friendships fall by the wayside. D was one of those. We kept in touch a bit during the summer then I just kind of dropped the ball and stopped being in touch but not for any really good reason. AH accused me repeatedly of having an affair with D which wasn't even remotely accurate, but the accusations kind of weighed on me and I felt like I was doing something wrong by spending time with him and that played into my losing contact a bit. I think in all honesty, D probably would have liked there to be a r/s but I made it clear that even when I did become fully single, I was in no position to be in a r/s and if friendship wasn't okay, then so be it. He was never inappropriate or pushy and I honestly don't know how much my squeamishness about the "approrpriateness" of the r/s had to do with AH-- my guess is a lot. I don't think it's a problem to have male friends but AH certainly made me believe it was a problem.

Anyway, fast fwd to last weekend. A former student's mom contacted me (she's a friend and was before I had her son) and asked if I'd come to a "support/encourage party" for her son who was struggling a bit with good choices. I like his mom and I adore her son (hands down my favorite student ever even though he was a challenge!) so I took the girls and went to their house. It was a family and friends low key get together and the girls and I had a nice time. After I'd been there for a bit, D arrived. He's one of T's (the student) teachers and I guess the mom had invited the teachers too (he goes to an alternative school btw).

Long story short, D and I chatted for a bit and I found myself realizing how much I liked chatting with him and had missed it. Since Sat he's been in touch about getting together and I am torn. I know that I will ultimately say no but I really don't want to. I will say no not bc I think there is a problem with a friendship but bc I do not trust myself one bit right now in the state I am in, to not make poor choices and let this become something more.

That would be a disaster for me emotionally, would be unfair to D and would surely be fodder for AH to use to show that I am a bad person in court.

But I can't shake the desire to want to see D and spend time with him even though I know it's a bad idea....

Sigh... The last thing I needed right now was any more struggle, drama etc... It's reallllllllllly tempting to say "well, I'll just get together with him as a friend and it'll be fine". I was attracted to him the second I saw him this weekend which took me by surprise bc in the time we spent together in the past I never saw him in a romantic light.

I suspect that I am probably less attracted to him than I am to the idea of someone who I know has been a good friend being a nice guy to me. I really really really wish I could turn my brain off.

If this crazy thinking is what A's deal with (knowing drinking is a bad idea and yet being unable to think of much else besides it) then I have a new found empathy for the struggle they deal with.

As things stand I have just told him it was great to see him and I'll have to see how things look schedule wise. He hasn't done anything to make me think that he is looking for more than friendship-- it's me that I don't trust.

Insert image of me banging my head against a wall here bc I'm annoyed with myself over all of this.

So, there's my confession. I'm human, I feel pulled in several emotional directions and know that I will make the sane choice but there's a part of me that doesn't want to.

I know all the reasons that would be a terrible idea and yet even though I've talked them through with my T and sponsor, the idea is still there.

Could I be a bigger freakin mess?!