Actually, the opening up part has mostly to do with his alcoholism. And some about our marriage. I wish the part about our marriage was more but it's not. I believe he was being cruel to make me hate him. It failed. I don't. I saw the guilt in his eyes for that. And every time he would say something cruel he would also say "does that help"?
If he really wanted out, he would've made the first step in contacting a lawyer and proceeding with it all, but he thought I would do it. I will not do it. He has to follow through with his own plan. I won't make this easy for him in any way. But I also won't put myself through any more pain.
This is no life for me. A much as I love him, am in love with him, I cannot do this to myself or allow him to keep hurting me. He has guilt and shame. He says he is aware of how wrong it was to do everything that he did to me but I really don't even believe him anymore. He only repeats the same things over and over to me with no answers. He says he doesn't have answers. Well, it's not god enough. He's fallen back on drinking 4 times now. He also still believes he can do it on his own. "He's not there yet" (ready to ask for help) is what he says. He is completely lying to himself if he thinks he doesn't need help.
I won't pick him back up again either. I can't. I'm still very confused but will start focusing on me, my kids and our future. Since nothing has even been started to end our marriage, I am in a way forced to see him every weekend. He comes here for the kids and as much as I don't want him here, I know the kids do. I won't play that card unless I have to. He doesn't drink when he is here. There is no hiding spot for him. But when he leaves, I cannot pay mind to what he is doing.
I felt good last week for about 3 days and fell back into feeling like crap. Hopefully this week will be better. I think (about 90%) I have made up my mind and will move forward. Yeah, it's not easy to just put him out of my mind but I will do my best to try.