Hi Idol. I just ran across your story. It’s very well written. The detail really brought it to life and made for a very nice read. You handled yourself well. You’re also fortunate you got a knowledgeable and compassionate doc. It’s a nice story because things have gone in an almost text book manner so far.
I have a few thoughts.
It’s likely that your grief escalated your “alcohol dependence”. That same alcohol consumption may also have altered your physiology, permanently. Many folks who were able to drink normally in the past have crossed what is often referred to as the “invisible line”. This is where a person loses their power over alcohol. They become unable to control the amount they consume once they have just one drink. I’m not sure where you might be in relation to this invisible line but let me tell you some of my history.
For the longest time I reasoned that I was not an alcoholic. Sure there were lots of times I would drink for days on end, but after getting off the stuff for a few weeks I could have just 1 (sometimes, but only on the first day and not without great effort). The next day found me drinking for sure, and having more than 1. The day after that still more, till I was right back where I had started. Later I could no longer have just a single drink, ever, without it turning into a lot of drinks, and events I could no longer forecast. The question is, when exactly did I turn into an alcoholic? It really does not matter. I know that if I now have a single drink, today, my life will rapidly become unmanageable.
I know you said you are determined to never drink again. That’s fantastic. I said that also, over and over and over again. I went through withdrawals with medical assistance multiple times. Finally, really bad things started happening.
I just could not stay away from the stuff. Your recent experience may keep you away from alcohol for a long time. The grief counseling may greatly help with a cause of your increased consumption. You may gain great insights into yourself in therapy. Yet, if you have crossed that line into alcoholism, and you are like me, you will need some kind of a program or method or approach that is more or less ongoing and for the long term. Whatever you discover I wish you the best. Thanks for relating your experience so well. It likely will help one of the lurkers out there (perhaps one who will even come back, register, and tell say so). You have done a service. Stay well.