Hugs to you (((BW))).
It's ok to love an A.
Is it ok for you to be thinking about him 24/7? Doesn't sound like it is.
Do something for yourself. Take it one day at a time. One minute at a time if you have to. Just do something just for you. Go for a walk, get a meditation tape and listen to it. Have some fun with your kids.
This and alanon will help you. It doesn't change anything to know why and thinking about why won't help you deal if your AH decides to go through the process of divorce which BTW won't happen unless he does something about it. He isn't expecting you to take care of the divorce proceedings just because he wants a divorce is he?
My recovery is focusing on myself and it has helped me tremendously. I need to recover from the effects of A as much as my AH does and the more I recover the clearer and calm my thoughts and actions are.
I hope you find some peace and serenity.