An Open Letter to my AXGF
April 11, 2012
It occurs to me that three months ago today, you committed what can charitably called emotional assault on me while I was at work. If your intention was to cause has much emotional harm on your way out the door as possible, congratulations -- you did that.
But if your intention was to break me in two, you have underestimated me terribly.
Last week, I spent a few days in the desert west of Salt Lake City for work. And as I was looking around at all the multimillion dollar hardware that was surrounding me (some of which I helped design) and checking out the mountains and the blue sky, it occured to me that I was living the life I wanted to live, and it was without a doubt better without you in it. See, I don't have to worry about your suicidal ideation any more when you behave horribly. I don't have to listen to your convoluted logic when it comes to your actions. I don't have to worry about whose bed you've been hopping in and out of behind my back. I don't have to worry about you sabotaging my career or graduate school anymore.
When I think about you these days, as I thought of you in Utah, my primary reaction is disgust. Full-blown, unmitigated disgust. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but I do know what you're not, and that's the sort of person I wish to associate with. What you got from me was my best faith effort to be a source of understanding, support and love. And what I got back was lies, duplicity, and manipulation. You're no doubt pleased with yourself in how you admitted to your infidelity on that day three months ago. How you square that with your claims of working your program and your supposedly recovery, I'll never understand. But fortunately, I don't need to understand it. The mystery surrounding you is gone. You got better than you deserved for a year. And when it comes to being in a relationship with me, I am way out of your league.
Still, I wish you well. I honestly do. And not because I have any investment in how well you do or don't do. No, it's because that any improvement over the way you've led your life thus far is an improvement, and I wouldn't want to wish your wretched life and your choices on anyone. You are, like the rest of us, one of God's children. You don't have to answer to me, but you do have to answer to Him. And I'm glad I don't have to be in your shoes when that day comes.
Thanks for letting me go. That's the best gift anyone's ever given me. God Bless You.