Just need to let some pain out
Sometimes I find myself staring off into space and thinking of nothing and everything at once. I feel calm and nervous, scared and brave, angry and sad. Never completely at peace. As for happy, that is something I haven’t truly felt in a long time. I do have moments of peace and gratitude for my children, seeing their smiles, hearing their laughter. It helps me get through the days. But a true deep felt happiness? No not in a very long time. What I seem to feel almost everyday is longing for something I had for a fleeting moment it seems. That past happiness, a dream I had had since I was a little girl of finding love and making a family. Foolish young dreams. What I feel almost every day is this weight in my stomach, this intense nervous feeling every time the phone rings or I get a text or I hear a knock at the door. Fear that it will be him, and fear that it won’t. What if he gets better and I am not there? What if he doesn’t get better and I am there. Too much thinking. Too many possibilities. But I keep going and showing my kids that it will “All be alright” even though right now I have absolutely no freaking idea how that will happen. How can I do it all alone? I never wanted that, I wanted a partner to share my life with. To teach our children to be wonderful people. But now its just me! One good parent is better than two broken ones. I completely believe that, but it doesn’t change this searing pain in my heart. This choking feeling in my throat that I have to fight daily so I don’t cry my eyes out at any given moment.
In the mornings when I am getting everyone ready for the day, that is when the anger hits, the stress. Why do I have to do this alone?! When my kids are screaming and crying to get my attention and I am running late, those are the moments that I hate him for what we are going through. That I blame him for everything. But at night when I can’t sleep and I am wondering around the house, those are the moments that I want him back. That I doubt everything. That I just want to curl up and have my Mommy make it all go away. But then an new day begins and I start all over again.
I hope and pray that this will get easier in time. That I will be able to handle all this. That I will be worthy of my kids. That one day I will be proud of myself and not feel like such a failure in all ways. And maybe one day forgive myself and then maybe believe that it is not my fault no matter what I feel.