Don't think my marriage will survive sobriety
Writing with a very heavy heart today. As some of you are aware, I have been working at trying to sober up after many years of heavy drinking. I am not all the way there yet, but I am working on it. I figure it has taken 20 some odd years to get me into this mess, it is going to take some time and a lot of hard work to get me back out, but I am determined to make it. But I am having a big problem. I am very sad today. I have been married for 11 years to someone I considered my best friend and soul mate. We have had many more happy times than bad times, at least while we were both actively drinking. He has done a really good job of not drinking, and it has changed his entire personality!! He is humorless, negative, judgmental, and completely joyless. The complete opposite of the man I married who was funny, affectionate, kind, and loved to work hard and play hard, just like me. Just to give you guys an example, this is how yesterday went…
We went to him mom’s for Easter. I missed my family but was more than happy to agree to spend time with his family this holiday. So we get there and his mom points to the kitchen in her tiny apartment and says, “Dinner’s in there! Mashed potatoes need to be made, rolls need to be cooked, etc. etc.” Well I am a pretty good cook and was happy to go ahead and make dinner. I didn’t expect it, but I was okay with it. I was glad to have something to do. So I bust my ass and make dinner for 20 people, which was actually kind of fun, but it wore me out. My husband wasn’t really talking to me so after dinner I went down to the playground with his brother and all the kids.
His brother was already drunk at this point. He told me to get on the merry go round and he’d push me. I didn’t really want to but I went ahead and did it anyway. Well he started pushing me faster and faster. I couldn’t hold on. I told him I was about to fall off and he didn’t believe me. Well, I went flying off the thing, face first into the gravel and then just about got my head knocked off by the merry go round when I tried to get back up. It hurt and I was a little traumatized but I was not going to be a big baby about it because I am desperately trying to just enjoy the day. Of course my husband never asks me if I’m okay or anything but whatever…so I go in and help his mom clean up. At this point I am feeling a little claustrophobic and worn out and I am beyond ready to go. His brother is getting drunker and drunker. I go into the kitchen to get a pop and my husband is in there. He is putting the left over pop in the fridge. I try to get by him because I just need to sit down for a bit and he hands me a pop and says, “help me out for a sec” really short and irritated. I kind of stared at it for a second like, “arghhh…okay” and then my husband yells at me in front of everyone “either help or get out of my way!”
Well something in me just snapped at that point. I just pushed my way past him without another word. But all the way home I just felt angry. This is the kind of thing that happens a lot with him. He’s irritable and short and downright mean. Anyone else would have been like, “thanks for helping my mom and putting up with my drunk brother” but not my husband, nope all he can do is make a bad day worse. He apologized but I am still furious with him because this kind of thing happens all the time. The good news is I had no desire to drink over it, at all. Too depressed to drink. Too depressed to care all that much about anything anymore. I am so angry that I am seriously thinking about leaving.
I don’t even know this man. I would never have married someone like this.