Hi Lorri,
I've had my share of the 'vanishing act', so can really relate to your post. My RA does it when he is angry. It hurts me to the core when he does that. I worry that something awful has happened to him first off. I run the gamut of emotions over it, make myself crazy sick. You seem to cope much better than I do in that you can accept it at that moment, compartmentalize it.
I wish I had more to offer you. My RA is not in counseling. He has a lot of deep seated issues from his childhood that he has buried. Should go. I know you said you are in counseling, but is he attending any on his own or with you?
Deep down I sometimes feel like they have standards for us....and we hold fast to them. They, on the other hand, have no standards they follow, it's whatever it is, and they just simply have the attitude, 'oh well'. Pretty all out flat emotionless response, and then it's a shut down, until the next time.
I don't know. As someone on here said, maybe you should detach for a while, really detach, and see how you feel, and give him space, see what he does. Although, truth be told, it doesn't look like this will change over time without any significant happening.
unfortunately, as we know, leopards don't change their spots. He is what he is. We as codies dont like it, can't accept it, and think we can change it if we do x y and z. If only.
I am here with you, feel your pain, struggling also. Wish I could help you more.
I hope you find some peace for yourself no matter what you decide.